Preston's Place

theres a lot i could say. theres a lot i cant say, either.

with the situation we're in, and the fact we're all infected in a way. . . it just makes us test subjects. fuel for a fire we dont understand.

i want to escape. i want to be free. i want to be known for something other than a skeleton in a horrid situation.

or a skeleton in a mold thing. where my voice is used to repeat mantras someone used to trust.

theres so much to say. but i have so little.

what are you supposed to do in this situation?

mara accidentally killed her child. or whatever was left of her. it. i don't know.

it feels wrong.

the sheer amount of happening. the way people from the 'outside' regard us. theres this person named 'frohike' that is giving me directions. all i have in my hands is that, and to stay alive for vargas. and nothing else.

i owe no one anything.

except him.

every time i look outside, i think about how nice it would be to live without

nevermind.

im just glad vargas is here. i miss his talking. hes alive, though.

i was angry at mara for making him leave. for him being hurt. i really cant be angry at a grieving mother. she cared more than any of my people did in my entire life. so i cant be mad at her. it would be wrong. it feels wrong.

patty and cb are ok. i guess. patty is still mean to me. its whatever.

i somehow saved cyrus's life.? i dont know. i was monitoring him, and his breathing suddenly stopped. so i kept trying to give him CPR despite it probably not working. it worked

joseph? or jojo, really insulted him before he went out. went 'you cant live here', while he was seriously injured. i mean...fair point! but he went unconscious and almost died after that.

i almost stabbed my last epipen into him. i dont know if that would of killed him or helped. (him as in cyrus, not joseph...)

and rue was really nice. i dont think she deserved to be there. i dont think she needed to watch her friend almost die. it felt cruel. like for the briefest of moments, vargas and i were judge, jury, and executioner.

fuck, the only thing i would vote on and execute is to end all of this. this grand struggle. this fucked up everything we have. i mean, come on. no one deserves this. except maybe for the military assholes but like thats what ever.

frohike talked about a data storage having the last 10k years of all human knowledge or whatever. sounds powerful

maybe i could make a difference for once?

if i die doing this, i want to at least make the suffering more bearable for others. so ill make pages that will be releaseable on my death (if it ever happens).

the runbooks, the functions...everything.

might be unwise, but im sure vargas will check my computer when i die. then he can make a decision to either release it or give it to someone else.

because he is sure as hell not dying before me. i will make sure of it.

well shit got hurt feelings

it's kind of this issue of like. IDK how to say anything...it feels so fucked. every time i try and i want to do something it holes up in my throat like a fucking parasite.

am i a parasite? does anyone care about me? i guess vargas does. im not gay though. im not like that.

well we're ok. i'm making a house. i wwant it to look nice and i want vargas to have a good place to live. the area i picked is really calm and next to some nice neighbors

it's like

whatever. i don't know how to say. sorry. or thank you. or anything.

he got really upset over his giant fucking list of names or whatever. like i care. though i do actually care a lot because i finally just kind of went off at him yesterday screaming at him about how he fucked me up because i was just another name on his giant list of people. and we got swarmed again BTW...

turns out that's what he uses to remember people. he was getting evicted also.

kind of fucked. i would of let him live with me. why didn't he say anything?

i feel kinda bad also. i blew the fuck up at CB. i blew up at vargas. i abandoned patty's car on the side of the road. cuz they broke the fuck out of my car. put weed n cigs in it. et cetera...

what the hell is my damage?

we'll never know i guess. all the therapists are probably dead and walking down the road to eat me alive...

maybe the cure is just dying? LOL. just kidding...

but seriously. if i just disappeared tomorrow, i do not think any of those people would care. except vargas i guess. kind of my obligation to keep him going. i don't want him to die. i need him.

all these people we've met - he likes them all. he hopes for the best in all of them, sees the scenario and the opposite, the good and bad, how fucked it is and how in ways it isn't. maybe i should do that? i know it's fucked everywhere. and i'm not strong, and i'm not particularly good at doing survival tasks (i was one of the worst boyscouts the years i went), and all sorts of shit...when am i going to be useful?

don't know...

what i do know. is that. i am somewhat excited (even if i do not want to say it out loud) to have that noah guy as a neighbor. and maybe to have a place. and maybe to just live with less people in the world.

i know i'm fucked up for being happy about the apocalypse...i hated zombie movies because they felt gross and so vastly far from reality - that i could not even consider them coming into the real world.

jokes on you per usual, preston!

what a sick joke of a world. the more i type. the more sad i feel about just everything.

why can't i just talk to people? why can't i bother remembering their names?

i guess i'm stupid in some aspects.

i don't know what to say

it's fucked. it's all fucked. it's so fucking bad. i was kinf of exagerrating when i said 'world is ending' but no here i am exhausted and sitting in my computer chair in my apartment

i needto do all these entries quickly because vargas is sleeping upstairs. i can't stop watching him he got hurt badly and ithink i almost died under his weight while carrying him out of the hellzone ok

everythigns a MESS let me go by bullet points i think

1 - army lied again wow big shocker they didnt evac us and they held me at turret gunpoint becausei was having a panic attack LOL!!!!!!!!! vargas almostd ied because fo this. he has a big wound. i need to read medical books. if im not going to beusef ul physically i need to at least help him when hes hurt he got his side torn into atthe top of the building andits why im watching him. one oozed out of an ambulance.i drew it and i dont knowhow to describe it. we left too fast cuz hewas being driven by a stranger and then i drovefor the first time isnt that crazy???

2 - they askedfor help. they aksed for help the undead. or whatever you call the rotting things i drew some images forthat too. idk. i thinkthis is my on ly copincg mechanism now LOL. i sleptfor 3? hours? i dontfeel good and i just wantto vomit all the time. this sucks. i hate it here.

3 - woman namedpatty with us . shes. ok. IDK. i hate it. i dontwant to trust anyone newin a situation like this. i hope we meetno one else because vargas and i accidentally fuckgin killedl ike 4 people with our running and bullshit before we met her. shes probablygoign to die. i dont want vargast oknow that

4 - everything is fucked and depressing and........yea

illpost the imgs here and on my art page bc they r relevant jist in case i die and this becomes important i guess

god

oh right the armyalmost killed vargas and theres like feral fuckedup noises and god i hateit here i wanto ut but we're stuck

looks like the world is ending.

i don't really know what else to put. vargas keeps trying to look at my computer. quick entry. but if i die i'm sorry.

except for my family. you can all go fuck yourselves seriously. i hate every last one of you. deadbeat assholes

hes moving away

hesmoving awa y and i dont knwoawhat im going to do

wwhat the fuck do i do

whatdid i do

i hateit i hate iit i msorry

fuckcup cant mkae friendswih with anyonte literally no one

jesus christjchet just chesii catn i cant

imjsut anotherrufuckign name to himim just anuameadn numbero nthat shittyf ucking notepad

ims o sworthlless

maybei f i sa actually saidsomething hewoud lbe stayingg???

thisi sall my fault

itsall my fault jjsutbecuase i m so fuckign afraid

icant do anyyyhing

vargas kinda opened up today. apparently he doesn't talk to his family either. i didn't know how to respond.

to be completely honest, i'm really afraid of opening up to him. he can just laugh at me and then move on with his life...but i don't want him to. he's literally the only person that tolerates me. it's kind of insane to me how heavy i felt for that. IDK. i don't want to talk about it anymore.

MTV has my favorite music video up which is for californication...

but it's not really my favorite song. it's kind of too repetitive for me. it's...whatever. who cares. i wonder what music my neighbor likes? don't know.

BTW...this computer sucks ass. looks real damn pretty though.

I'M A FUCKING ARTIST. WHY DOES NO ONE REALLY CONSIDER WHAT I DO AS ART?

HERE I AM JUST STUCK DOING DEAD-END FUCKING COMPUTER JOBS...AND GOING AND HACKING PEOPLE'S SHIT- JUST SO I CAN KEEP MY APARTMENT PAID FOR. I DON'T FUCKING LIKE DOING ANY OF THIS! AND NO ONE REALLY UNDERSTANDS HOW I FEEL ON IT. AT ALL! NEVER! NO ONE EVER FUCKING DOES!

SERIOUSLY, WHO'S IDEA WAS IT FOR ART TO BE DICTATED BY CORPORATES AND FUCKING 'DIPLOMATS' OF TOTAL ASS SUCKAGE? I HATE THEM. I HATE THEM ALL.

DUMB FUCKS CAN'T UNDERSTAND A REAL PERSON WHEN IT HITS THEIR EYES. DO THEY KNOW WHO THE FUCK THEY ARE? TAKING SOMEONE'S LIFE AND JUST RIPPING IT APART IN FRONT OF THEM? I AM A FUCKING ARTIST, DIP SHIT! YOU DON'T NEED ME TO GO TO SCHOOL AND MAKE A FUCKING STATUE TO PROVE IT! JESUS CHRIST!

found this new band. cool. i hope they do more. i don't know how i feel about a lot of their songs but i really like this one

i feel like if i showed anyone this they would make fun out of the hell of me. this is primarily why i keep this private. L.O.L.

especially because no one knows me. so like...why should i even put the effort into being liked? :P who cares. everyone thinks i'm a 'great' web developer just because i'm so good at displaying 'confidence' for it. look at my website...it's dogshit... :P

(or who knows...maybe i only do good work on other people's sites...i can't tell.)

though...T.B.H. i still prefer al bowlly heavily...

so i entered some room with execs, i finally was heard but they just kinda looked at me like i was some freak??? anyways i totally got rejected. they said they'd get back to me in like 5 business days. 'common courtesy' my ass just kick me to the curb man.

i don't even know why i'm listening to iron maiden. i don't like them that much. i don't like a lot of this BS

still going. apartment still stinks boo

thinking about starting a new art project. i don't know what to do. book publishers and 'high class' artists or whatever the fuck ignore me! all the time! seriously!

when is my 'big break' going to happen?? i keep putting shit out there but it feels like no one will ever notice me. vargas doesn't even notice the shit i do. or the shit i have in my apartment. when i told him about the government spying on us with new tech he laughed and said it wasn't true. dumbass

hapoy new eyars i vomitedall over the ffucking floorand i hate myself asperu sual yauy

nothing like mcdonalds chicken to make me happy. i need to rewatch tetsuo the iron man today...such a good film!!! i wonder if i should show my neighbor this shit. IDK. he's a total loser...may not understand.

i seriously fucking hate my neighbor. all he does is fucking do whatever. ALL I GET 2 HEAR ALL DAY IS HEAVY SHIT HITTINGTHE FLOORR yeah lemme start dropping metal weights on the floor!!! god. whatever. he's nice enough at least i guess. who fucking cares.

i hate it here.

i did something so awesome and accidentally deleted a lot of my blog and logs!!!

dumbass. such a fucking dumbass you are, preston.

won't post for a while.